Thursday, July 8, 2010

And So I Dare

I attempt to put on make-up through eyes clouded with tears, and wonder if I dare write and share all that is in my heart today. Do I chance the criticism of those who have never experienced the rejection of one longed for and worked for, or of those who have and are now on the other side and recognize my short-sightedness and immaturity? As I ponder these things I am gently reminded of the One Who experienced much more rejection than this--not just by one, but by all whom He loved and who claimed to love Him. And, He wrote about it so that I could know that He understands my feelings and my fears. And so I dare.

Jingshu must be feeling much more fear and anguish than I am, but she does not show it in the same way that I do. She laughs and runs and plays. She is most comfortable with her new big sister, and then with Darrell and Parker. She loves Logan, too, but doesn't light up when she sees him as she does with the others. She avoids contact with me whenever possible. If I call to her, she runs away. When I lay next to her she moves her babies, her pillow and her body over away from me. She will allow me to help with some basic things, like putting toothpaste on her toothbrush, washing her face, and getting her dressed. And, she smiles at me occasionally, as long as I do not move toward her.

I am struggling to stay engaged with her. I must find ways for us to have fun together, but it seems that will have to happen when the others are not around. And it is not safe for me to be out of the hotel alone with her because she runs from me. Maybe in Guangzhou, Darrell and the big kids can do some sight seeing while she and I stay and play.

A dear friend stopped by early Wednesday morning as we were preparing to leave for Dallas and told me she had a verse for me. It is 2 Corinthians 12:9. Paul is writing about the thorn in his flesh and asking the Lord to take it away from him. He calls the thorn a messenger from Satan, sent to torment him and keep him from becoming conceited. I can understand how easy it would be to feel somehow accomplished in my own strength, or even just that we had prayed enough for things to go smoothly. But I don't see this experience as a messenger from Satan. Anyway, verse nine says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I appreciated this verse very much Sunday night and Monday when I was anticipating meeting her for the first time, but even more now.

I recognize that my tears today are not just from this rejection, but a let down of four months, if not four years, of emotion. And the tears are cleansing and helpful. Already I am feeling better.

Thank You, Sweet Jesus, for your gentle comfort to me today. You are GOOD and GREATLY TO BE PRAISED! I trust in Your power because I am weak.

Tracy

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

hang in their sweet friend...you were greatly missed tonight!

Still claiming 2 Cor 12:9 for you!

M

Laura Hattaway said...

Tracy, one of my friends adopted a little boy from China, and when they went to get him, he instantly bonded with his "Papa" and sister. My friend was grateful, because her concern was that he'd be scared of his great big daddy. However, after a few days, when he wasn't that interested in HER, she started getting really depressed. Once they got home and settled in, though... For weeks and weeks, he just hung on her neck. The interim is a killer, but that connection will come. And you know that. Just sending some positive thoughts your way... And will be praying for that transition! Thanks so much for being honest. It's an encouragement, and will be a testimony to other families who experience the same thing later...

aimingarrows said...

Tracy,

You are such a great writer and it's a privilege to see your tenderness. Your thoughts and feelings seem perfectly in tune with all you have experienced in the years and days leading here, and all you are seeing now, and all you may be anticipating. I am even clearer about praying for strong attachments in your family. From everything I have read and heard from other families, your new daughter is acting exactly as expected for this stage in the process. I will pray for your stamina as you endure rejection and maybe even doubt. I will especially pray for your heart as it longs to hear her say, "Mamma."

Thinking of you all often,
Heidi

the "B" family said...

I'm praying for you Tracy! My heart is hurting! Thankful that His mercies are new every mornging!
Love you!

Stephanie said...

Tracy, you are an awesome writer! Thank you so much for sharing your feelings with us. I look forward to reading your blog entried every day.

Praying for you all,
Stephanie C.

ErinL said...

Tracy,

I don't know if I've ever officially met you but Darrell knows our family. We are the ones adopting the little girl from Ukraine (5 yeas old). I have shed MANY tears over this little girl since we met her. I dreamed of a fairy tale adoption but still understood that I had to be realistic about what she would be like after 5 years in an institution. I still wasn't prepared for what I saw. I'll be honest, there were days I wanted to run, but I knew God told us that she is our daughter. This is trust on a whole new level and although we haven't dealt with rejection specifically (yet) I understand the tears shed over what you thought it would be like and all of the anticipation. We leave tomorow to finalize our adoption. I'd lie if I didn't say that fear is the dominating emotion right now. Our blog is private right now, but I'd love to give you access to see our journey. If you are interested email me at fourloraines@yahoo.com and I'll send you an invite. We will be praying for you.

Erin Loraine

Anonymous said...

all your holy friends are saying just the right things -- listen to them.

A practical suggestion: pick one thing that she LOVES to do and let that only be a Mama thing. Bubbles, bathtime, ice cream before bed....whatever, but ONLY you get to do it with her. Or, find a NEW thing all together that neither of you have done yet and make that the Mama thing.

Anyone else have a suggestion to stay engaged?

Anonymous said...

Hey Trac,

Remember the princess crowns at the farmers market? Think you could find the materials there? Maybe start making them in the floor and see if she comes to join you? Once you put one on, she'll want one for sure. Note to other Adcocks: give mama LOTS of love in front of Hayden, so she can see how safe and welcoming and loving she is.

Deborah said...

Oh Tracy, I can't imagine how you must feel...knowing this reaction is common and living in it are two very different things. We have been covering you all in prayer and following all your posts and loved, loved, loved seeing little Hayden with you for the 1st time! Damon shared a short teaching on Wed. night at church and used your family adopting Hayden as an example of how love knows no costs and no boundaries. How Christ loves us...and gave up His life for us. Damon put up some pictures of you all and Hayden on the big screen and it really impacted people. We love you and know God will meet you in your struggle...He knows how you feel. We are so excited to have a new niece. We are sending hugs and kisses to you all the way from Myrtle Beach. Deb, Damon and the "cousins" p.s. I loved the idea from a friend to have everyone else give you lots of love in front of Hayden. :)

Cindy-Still His Girl said...

Tracy,
I'm so sorry this isn't as easy and sweet as I know you'd hoped it would be. She has been chosen for your family and you ARE the mommy God wants for her. I know that in time she will feel so safe with you and will adore you. I'm praying that day comes very soon for you and that in the meantime you can lean the One who knows your every thought and that He will comfort your heart.

Much love,
C

Lisa Yoakum said...

Tracy,
Oh how I love you. I love how you are able to so beautifully express raw emotions that most would never dare admit. You are so real. You are able to lay your pride down, open your heart and reveal vulnerabilities; and to me that is such a true picture of your character and your faith in God. Because you know from where your strength comes. You are a wonderful mother. Look at the precious children you and D have loved and raised. They have such tender hearts for people and our Lord. Jingshu will open her heart to you. She may feel (without even realizing it) that if she shows love and a desire for a relationship with you that she is betraying her ma ma in China. I knew she would bond with McKenna immediately. One day you'll read these memories of the long road to Jingshu and chuckle that you ever worried she would not love you as her Mommy because you will have that relationship with her that you so long for now. Thank you for being a witness and example to all of us on how to live an inspiring life for Christ. I'm so glad you are my friend.

Lisa Yoakum said...

.....oh yea, and Keith says, (with tears in his eyes as I read your blog to him) Don't worry, it will be a piece of cake and suck it up! He loves ya'll!